(Documenting thoughts as they occur – this may or may not make much sense…)
9:49am: I was laying in bed last night trying to sleep. Thoughts kept rushing into my head about past jobs and things I would have liked to have said or done, things I can obviously do nothing about but obsess over anyway. I thought about what I would have liked to have said to my last boss at the newspaper about how insane she was. But when I think about that kind of thing I have to also think about how I let that situation or person make me feel so crappy. If I were a lesser person, maybe I could put blame on other people and leave it at that but ultimately; aren’t we responsible for what happens to us? Aren’t we accountable for how other people and situations make us feel? My Mom always says that you can’t control what people say or do to you but you can control how you react. My Mother is a beautiful genius.
So while I lay there pointlessly regurgitating past arguments last night (as I do most nights) it comes to me…I must have something missing. There must be some little naive thing in me that everyone else “gets” but I am clueless to. I try to be self-aware but the reality is; there must be a vibe that I put out there that must be just like kryptonite to Superman. I feel like I’m missing the micro-chip for “playing the game.” I mean, aside from just working hard and learning…why do I also have to deal with office politics? Can I just say here and now that I don’t care? Why can’t we all just be who we are and work like adults? I don’t really want to have to play any games. Aren’t we a bit old for that by now? 9:56am (a little over five minutes)